I've been thinking
by AlittleKlainer
Summary: After months in New York, Kurt finally feels like he's able to breathe and. . . think. What will thinking lead to ? Begins with a little Kadam but is DEFINITELY a Klaine fic. Title may change from I've been thinking. Will be multi-chapter.
1. Finally I can breathe

I've been thinking

**A/N I'm now getting to the point where I'm spending too long on A/Ns and not actually getting any actual writing done, so, I will write my main A/N at the end of this. Just quickly though, I'm not actually sure how this is going to turn out but lets just see x**

. . .

**From Adam: Hey want to go out for coffee later ? x **

Kurt stared at the message blankly for what felt like an eternity. Lifting his phone at least four times but each message was left unsent. Finally, he managed to co ordinate his fingers enough to type out a response.

**To Adam: Sure. Usual place, 7 ? x **

He only waited long enough for Adam's confirming response before his phone was flying to the other side of the sofa. He was not looking forward to this at all.

Lately, things in New York had slowed down slightly. Not a lot, as juggling NYADA classes and Vogue was still proving to be very testing, but slow enough that, for the first time in a long time since he came to New York, Kurt felt as though finally, he could breathe. But breathing had also led to thinking and thinking had lead to what he was about to do.

At 6:40, Kurt left the apartment and made the short, familiar walk to the coffee shop he had agreed to meet Adam. It wouldn't take him the twenty minutes he had allowed himself but he need time to prepare mentally for something that he had so wished he would never have to go through again.

No such luck.

Upon entering the small coffee shop, Kurt's eyes instantly fell on Adam.

Great.

_Does he really need to be so early for everything ! _Kurt mentally cursed. His mind was screaming at him to turn around and get as far away from the shop as he could. He probably would have too if Adam hadn't picked that exact moment to lift his gaze from his phone and notice Kurt standing next to the entrance. He smiled sweetly at him (in the way that he does) and moved in his chair as if to silently urge Kurt to join him. Kurt took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and plastered a calm but fake smile on his face. Giving out all the confidence he could muster, Kurt began the short walk to join Adam at the table. As he walked, he ignored the way he was trembling all over and silently willed it to stop, hoping and praying to whoever may or not be up there that Adam doesn't notice. Kurt pulled out the old, wooden seat as quietly as he could, concluding that it would be rude to disrupt the calm, subdued atmosphere of the little shop.

"You're early". Adam noted. Kurt shrugged his shoulders slightly and quickly looked down to avoid Adam's gaze, suddenly becoming fascinated with some left over sugar grains that littered part of the table. He could feel Adam's gaze on him and could see enough to notice that a few times, Adam had opened his mouth to speak but shut it just as quickly, appearing to be at a loss of what to say.

An uncomfortable silence filled the atmosphere around them, neither wishing to begin any for of communication. Eventually - all though too soon for Kurt's liking - Adam gave in in their unannounced battle for silence with a drawn out breath.

"Look Kurt. . ." Adam began, Kurt reluctantly brought his head up to look in Adam's eyes. . . And instantly regretted it. "Is everything. . . OK ?" Adam still sounded a little unsure and Kurt began to wonder for the umpteenth time that day if this was a good idea. However, another image, unlike the one in front of him flashed before his mind. Another shop, Another state, Another face. And it was with this that Kurt found the courage from somewhere deep inside him that he needed to complete this task. He was ready.

He took a breath.

He looked straight in Adam's eyes.

He exhaled the breath.

He spoke.

"Um, no actually Adam, it's not." Kurt straightened his posture in his chair, concluding years ago that it increased his confidence levels mentally - a handy trick when you spend the majority of your school career as the punching bag for people's hate. Adam sat up more straight too, watching Kurt with curious yet hesitant eyes, as if he could sense what was coming. Kurt spoke again.

"For the first time since I came to New York, I feel that recently, I've been able to breathe. Classes are becoming easier to manage, my workload at Vogue has slowed a bit and now, finally I'm able to. . . think. To think about a lot of things. . . Including this. . . Us." Kurt knew that he was hesitating a lot, not because he didn't believe in what he was doing, because he did, but because he was afraid of what would happen next. Still, he needed to do this. This wasn't right. He took another calming breath, somehow finding the courage to look in Adam's eyes as he continued. "Look, Adam, you're a great guy but. . . I don't think we should do this anymore."

There. He said it. It was all out in the open now.

Kurt felt oddly. . . Calm. Well, calmer than what he expected anyway. There was still that little nagging panic inside him that refused to go away but still, he felt. . . Good ? He dared another look at Adam, who just looked shocked. After a short while though, Adam looked as if he had recovered himself as he began to speak.

"Well. . . If that's what you want." The accent made Kurt's heart begin to stir and, for a moment. He began to regret what he had just done. _Stop it Kurt. _He told himself quickly. _Think of what could happen next ! _

Adam sounded a little hurt, but only a little which made Kurt relax a bit more. Another awkward silence settled around them, neither knowing what they should do or where they should go from here. Kurt's mind began to wander, he thought of Bowties, and Coffee, and Flirty duets at Christmas time and. . . Oh, Adam was going to speak again.

"Can you be honest with me here Kurt ?" He paused for a moment to allow for an answer. Kurt nodded slightly and began to chew on his bottom lip. "Does this have something to do with Blaine ?" Kurt remained silent and lowered his gaze back to the sugar grains. Adam took this as confirmation and continued. "You do still love him. . . don't you ? You never stopped. Not even when you were with me." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, more for his benefit than for Kurt's. Yet, Kurt found the need to answer this time. He looked straight at Adam and nodded slightly with a look of what almost resembled sadness on his face. Adam sighed slightly and frowned. He continued. "If this is what is going to make you happy then. . . I guess I'll see you around NYADA ?"

"It is." Kurt finally responded. "Thank you for understanding, Adam." Adam only nodded before standing from the table and collecting his bag and jacket from the back of his chair and walking casually out of the door. Kurt's eyes followed him until he was completely out of sight before he too gathered his things and began to leave the coffee shop. As he reached the door however, he realised he never actually got his coffee and turned quickly back to the counter.

Coffee in hand, Kurt left the shop and began the short walk back to his apartment. Rachel was away. . . Somewhere with her some of her new NYADA friends and Santana was out with a girl she met last week so he'd have the place to himself for a while. He fumble in his bag for his keys as he reached their door, the idea of a couch or bed becoming more and more appealing to him. Finally, he caught hold of the cool metal object at the bottom of his bag and carelessly shoved it into the keyhole. The door felt heavier than usual as he struggled to slide it open then closed before shuffling clumsily towards his 'bedroom' and collapsing face first into his pillows.

After a while of breathing heavily into a pillow, naturally he grew bored. Using a great amount of strength he hauled himself into a sitting position and grabbed his laptop from the other side of the bed.

He drummed mindlessly on the keypad for a number of seconds, mind wandering off somewhere a great way away from where he was at that time. Finally, his fingers spelled out one word into the search engine and he found himself staring blankly at Facebook's login. Concluding that it at least gave him something to do, he logged in and began to aimlessly scroll through post after post of pointless updates.

Rachel was currently in the middle of posting every minute updates on whatever thing she was doing with whatever people she was with.

Tina had posted some pictures from Glee today, as well as a number of statuses about how excited she was about this week assignment and blah blah blah.

Brittany was in the middle of confessing her love to Lord Tubbington - who actually had his own page.

Kurt had had enough. None of it was making him feel any better. He was about to close it down and go put in a movie or something when something caught his eye.

**Adam Crawford **is single.

_Geez ! Already ! Didn't take him long at all. _Kurt thought while narrowing his eyes at the screen in front of him. Sighing, he switched page to his own settings.

**Kurt Hummel **is single.

Kurt laughed for a minute at how childish they were being before forcefully shutting over his laptop and repositioning himself on the bed so that he was lying flat on his back. He grabbed his phone from the table beside him and flicked swiftly through his music, trying to occupy his mind for more than five minutes. Again, no such luck. Frustrated now, he threw the phone slightly away and just laid staring at the ceiling.

Soon, Kurt found himself slipping from consciousness, happy at the fact that he was actually able to do something instead of staring at a blank ceiling. Of course, the universe wasn't really on his side today as he was harshly brought back to reality when his phone obnoxiously began buzzing, pulling him from his almost slumber. With an annoyed groan, Kurt hauled himself upright and reluctantly grabbed the electrical device that interrupted him. However, upon reading the name that had appeared on his screen, all traces of frustration were wiped from his face, instead replaced by a genuine smile for the first time that day.

1 message

**From Blaine: Hey, is everything OK with you and Adam ? I saw your Facebook status changed x If you want to talk about anything let me know x**

A wide grin spread across Kurt's face. Blaine always somehow knew the exact time Kurt needed him. He wondered for a minute how he should reply. He wanted to tell Blaine what had happened but he couldn't tell him _**why **_it had happened. However, Kurt really could use somebody to talk to right now so, in spite of his previous worries, began to type out a response.

**To Blaine: Thank you Blaine. No, it's not OK x I broke up with him about an hour ago x**

The reply came incredibly fast, but Kurt was glad he didn't need to wait long, not sure if he could physically take any more frustration today.

**From Blaine: Oh, I'm sorry Kurt x Are you OK ? x **

**To Blaine: I'm OK, just a little frustrated but I'll be fine x**

**From Blaine: Would it be appropriate for me to ask what happened ? x**

Why ? Why did he need to ask ? Kurt groaned loudly as he tried to think of some way he could answer. It wasn't that he was mad at Blaine, he just really hoped that he wouldn't ask that question because honestly, Kurt didn't know what he could say. Finally, he settled on a response.

**To Blaine: Lets just say that, I realised it wasn't what I wanted anymore x**

_Because I want you ! _Kurt inwardly screamed. That response would do for now, It wasn't too vague but it wasn't detailed enough to cause him any embarrassment just yet_._

**From Blaine: Oh, OK x If you want to talk about anything just know that I'm still here for you, I'll always be here x Just say when x**

Kurt's heart began to pound heavily and his insides began to flutter. He sat staring at his phone content for a few minutes before realising that Blaine was probably waiting on a reply. He bit his lip and thought.

**To Blaine: Hey, I'm coming to Lima next weekend to visit my dad. Can we meet ? x **

. . .

**A/N yay so I've finally completed a fan fiction ! First time since August ! So, a couple of things, 1. This will be multi-chapter 2. I apologise for the Kadam centric first half even though the character tags say Klaine 3. I have no clue what I actually want to call this fic. It was originally supposed to be Remember 21 but then I went in a completely different direction and it now doesn't make sense. As I'm writing this it is still title-less so I don't know if it will stay as what I posted it as.**

**Follow me on twitter Clo_CrissColfer or on tumblr at .com. And yes, I am aware that it is a One Direction lyric. **

**Review ? Favourite ? Follow ? Anything you want.**

**Bye x**


	2. This is not an update

THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE

**A/N Sorry, this isn't a chapter. I decided to post this A/N tonight as I am unsure as to when I will be able to update this fic. My school exams began today and will not end until the 27****th**** of May. I am now, starting tomorrow on study leave until the 6****th**** of June but I will need my time to revise for these exams. That being said, I hope to have at least chapter 2 posted before I go back to school but that all depends on how much studying I manage and how often I can write it. However, after my exams, I am only in school for around 3 weeks before Summer so I will have plenty of time to write this then. Also, this summer, I am planning on at least beginning two other fics, one which I started a while back that I never completed, and another that is based in season 2 Dalton Academy. **

**Again, I am so sorry to anyone who has read/followed/favourited I've been thinking. It means a lot to me that people are interested in my writing and I PROMISE that chapter 2 will be up in the near future.**

**Thank you lovely readers.**

**AlittleKlainer x**

**p.s. follow me on twitter at Clo (underscore) CrissColfer or on tumblr at tounge tied over three words - .com or watch my profile here for updates on the progress of chapter 2. **


	3. Mind Tricks

I've been thinking chapter 2

**A/N IM BACK PEOPLE ! First, um, wow. I'm a little bit stunned at the reception for chapter 1. I was proud of Instead of In New York, but this story has gained more followers in the first chapter alone than that did in all six ! Thank you ! I had started to write this chapter a while back but only had the first paragraph but I'm writing it now. Also, like I said in the previous update I had my main school exams so writing hasn't been my top priority. My last exam was the 27****th**** of May (Chris Colfer's birthday !) and I went back to school on the 6****th**** of June. I know I promised an update before I went back but after my exams finished, I was out everyday so I didn't really have any time to write (catching up on the social life as I haven't had one since October lol). I also started reading again and I spent all my available time last week trying to finished the 5****th**** Harry Potter cause it wasn't mine and I borrowed it in November lol. But I'm here now ! So, anyway, here is chapter 2 ! x **

**. . . "Can we meet ?"**

**. . .**

Blaine stared at his phone, wide-eyed and doubting for an undetermined amount of time. He couldn't believe he had received this text, going as far as exiting and re-entering the message a number of times before he convinced himself that, yes, it was. This was happening.

Blaine exhaled deeply, taking much longer than necessary, forcing himself to draw in a painfully sharp breath quick after. His breathing continued in this fashion for a number of long minutes. Finally he composed himself and, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, he threw his head backwards and allowed himself to flop down onto his bed, clutching his phone tightly against his heart. He remained like this for a while, eyes fluttering shut and his mind taken over with beautiful memories with a beautiful boy before another thought hit him.

He hadn't replied yet.

Blaine scrambled back to regain an upright position, limbs flailing in a task which was made all the more challenging due to the insane bounciness of his bed. Eventually, his struggles paid off. He took another breath to compose himself as his face reddened slightly and he thanked the heavens that no one was there to see his attractive stunt. Now he faced a different task.

What on earth was he going to say ?

His fingers darted over the keypad and subconsciously hit send before he had had a chance to comprehend what he had wrote.

**To Kurt: Yeah, that sounds good. Let me know when and where, looking forward to seeing you x**

He bit his lip as he re-read the last part. He wasn't sure if it was too far and he didn't want to risk freaking Kurt out. He had waited so long for this and he couldn't allow anything to ruin it. He wasn't sure if he could take it.

Blaine began tapping his fingers nervously on the back of his phone, biting his lip as he awaited Kurt's reply. A habit he had picked up over the course of the year. An endless amount of time seemed to pass. Blaine convinced himself that Kurt wouldn't be replying. He convinced himself that he had ruined it. That he'd scared Kurt off. He was still being punished for his one awful mistake back in October. The sole night in his life that he would give anything to take back. His head hung low in defeat, small pools of desperate tears formed in his hazel eyes, threatening to spill over at any chance he allowed them.

He crossed his room to his picture board on his wall. He gazed at it for a long while before sighing. He remembered putting it together just before Kurt left for New York. It was made up entirely of various old pictures of the two of them. He hadn't changed any of them. There was one of he and Kurt back in their old Dalton days, back when they were still only friends. Best friends. Jeff had taken it one day before Warblers rehearsal while they were waiting on the council to arrive. They were sitting on one of the couches in their choir room, talking amongst themselves. Kurt was smiling widely as Blaine spoke. It was one of his favourite pictures.

There was another from the summer before Blaine's transfer to McKinley. They were sitting on a blanket on the grass in Kurt's garden. The sun was blaring down on them, casting a kind of light streak coming from the corner of the photo. Carole had taken it. Kurt's head was resting on Blaine's shoulder and they were both smiling brightly at the camera.

There were many more of them together on this board. There was one from Kurt's junior prom, after Kurt had won Prom Queen and they were dancing. Kurt had a copy of this same picture.

At least he used to.

There was one of them in their West Side Story costumes, At Nationals last year, at Kurt's Senior Prom when they were riding the dinosaur and Blaine had his natural hair. There was also Kurt's graduation. They were both crying as they were hugging. Tina had snapped it when they weren't looking. There were many more of them, they filled the whole frame.

The one that stuck out however, and took centre position with all the others around it, was Blaine's favourite picture of all time. They were in Rachel's garden this time, she had all the New Directions over during the summer before the older members had all flown out to their various colleges. He wasn't sure who had taken it, but he was thankful to whoever did. The were standing away from everyone else, under the shade of an old tree. The light was beginning to fade slightly. This only added to the beauty of the photo. They stood facing each other, with barely any distance between them. Their hands were intertwined and their foreheads were pressed lightly together. Kurt's eyes were closed but a smile had formed on his face. Blaine was gazing at Kurt, wearing a look of what only could be described as 'love'. He remembered this day as if it were only yesterday.

He wished it was.

Blaine drew in a quick breath and raised a hand to wipe away the tears that had spilled over the gates as he was studying the pictures. He sniffed rather loudly and turned back towards his bed were his phone still lay, screen black and blank as it had been when he left it. The tears continued to fall as he stared helplessly at it. He shouldn't be this upset about a text.

_**Kurt might not have had a chance to read it yet**_

_**He might be too busy to reply**_

He tried to tell himself many things that could explain the absence of a reply, but, try as he might, he couldn't rid himself of the other thoughts his awful mind he had grown to hate decided to throw at him.

_**You blew it.**_

_**He doesn't love you anymore !**_

_**He doesn't trust you.**_

_**It's you're fault, you cheated !**_

Blaine groaned loudly and turned to his door, intending to go grab a sandwich r something to occupy himself as he mentally scolded himself. Blaine had one foot out of his room. . .

_Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz. . . Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz_

Blaine stopped suddenly. He turned slowly, unsure if his mind was playing cruel tricks on him by supplying him with what he wanted, only to snatch it away mere seconds later - a trick his mind had grown to enjoy since Autumn. He turned around fully, staring at his phone. He waited what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only a few mere seconds. He waited for something, anything to happen to tell him this was real. He wouldn't rush to his phone. He wait here until it was confirmed, sparing himself the agony of disappointment. He knew the feeling too well for his liking, more than a high school senior should. He wouldn't subject himself to it again.

He waited. . .

And waited. . .

And cried. . .

Until finally. . .

Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz. . . Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz

Blaine threw himself forward and took a dive at his bed. He grabbed his phone desperately, heart racing and breathing heavy. He quickly unlocked it with shaking fingers, and gazed down at the message in front of him.

**From Tina: Hey, can you come with me to the mall after school tomorrow ? I need a shopping trip ;) x**

Blaine stared at his phone, an empty feeling began to form inside him and more tears threatening at the corners of his already red and puffy eyes. He quickly sent off a text to Tina to avoid further texts later.

**To Tina: Yeah sure**

Hopefully his text would be enough to keep her at bay, at least until school tomorrow anyway. Then there would be questioning.

Blaine turned and threw his face into a pillow. Ugly sounding sobs filled the air in the empty house, echoing throughout each large room that was far too big for only three inhabitants.

He buried his head farther into the pillow as his mind began once again to attack him from the inside.

**You've lost him.**

**He's gone.**

**He's not coming back.**

**He moved on.**

**Without you.**

**HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU !**

His mind screamed the last one at him.

"No" Blaine said into the empty air. "No"! he said louder this time as his mind continued on, destroying him slowly. "NO"! He screamed. "He does ! He must ! He a-asked me to m-meet him ! I've n-not l-lost him-m"! Blaine broke off, collapsing once again into gut wrenching sobs.

. . .

He wasn't sure how long he laid there or when he succumbed to the sleep that was nagging at him. The only thing he was aware of was the trill ringing of something pulling him back to consciousness. He pushed himself up lazily, eyes sore from all the crying he had done in the last while. He slowly became aware of his surroundings and attempted to discover the source of the noise. He became aware of a light on something at the foot of his bed. His phone. He crawled slowly towards it. Expecting his mom or Tina. Hi breath caught in his throat.

**Incoming Call: Kurt**

Blaine fumbled numbly to locate his answer button. Expecting to wake up any minute from a dream. Nervously and hesitantly he pulled the phone to his ear, trying to find the muscles to make himself speak.

Finally, he answered.

"H-hello"?

**A/N FINALLY ! Took so long to write this chapter and I would like to thank spotify but mainly the songs All or Nothing, Everytime, This is The New Year, Just Can't Get Enough, Against All Odds (Take a Look At Me Now), Come What May, Outcast and You Have More Friends Than You Know by the Glee Cast for getting me through it lol x It's only half eight as I'm finishing this so I'll probably start chapter 3 just know cause I actually have some ideas so it nay be up this week, depending on how much homework I get. School is almost over for the year ! Last week of classes this week then activities week next week with Alton Towers next Wednesday CAN'T WAIT (there's like 15 of my friends going together). **

**Today is also the day of Chris Colfer's London book signing which depresses me because I was only a couple of hours away on a train ! My mum was going to take me and camp out with me at Bluewater but my dad said no cause the trains to get there were really expensive and it was too far to go if I ended up not actually meeting him :'( Plus I'm saving for. . . NEW YORK 2014 ! Oh, I almost forgot, Friday the 28****th**** (a week on Friday) I'll be at the UK premiere of Struck By Lightning ! It's in my country ! Have never been interested in the Edinburgh Film Festival before but now I'm so thankful for it ! Now all I need is for Chris to just pop out a little tweet saying that he'll be there and my life will be complete ! :D x**

**Anyway, this A/N is huge so I'll round it off here. Feel free to Favourite/ Follow/ Review if you wish, or, why limit yourself to just one ? I'm kidding. Also, if you're interested in any of my stories or just want some glee craziness, follow me on twitter Clo (underscore) CrissColfer or on tumblr URL tounge tied over three words (dash) .com. If that doesn't work this time I'll scream ! Every time I try to add my twitter or tumblr, it doesn't show up ! Ok, I'm done. Bye now x**

**P.S. MIARREN WAS CONFIRMED AND CHILL HELD HANDS IN PUBLIC ON THE SAME DAY ! Yes, I ship them and no, I'm not asking if you're OK with it.**

**Bye *waves* x**


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